20 Pieces of Funny Advice Our New Parents Recieve
Interesting, Odd and Hilarious Pieces of "Wisdom" Our Fellow Parents Have Received from Their Friends & Loved Ones
1. “Sleep when the baby sleeps… and also clean when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby sleeps, shower when the baby sleeps…”
Sure! Let me just split myself into five different people and get everything done in a 20-minute nap window.
2. “If you trim their eyelashes, they’ll grow longer.”
Umm… no. Your baby is not a Chia Pet.
3. “Put cabbage leaves in your bra to stop engorgement.”
Weird, but actually kind of true. Cold cabbage leaves can help reduce swelling, but a cold compress would work so much better. Bonus: You’ll smell like coleslaw.
4. “Just bounce them on the dryer to get them to sleep.”
Because who doesn’t love turning their baby into a human milkshake? (But yes, white noise and vibration can help—maybe just use a bassinet with a rock them instead.)
5. “Don’t make eye contact at night, or they’ll think it’s playtime.”
This makes it sound like you’re dealing with a feral raccoon, not a baby. But honestly… I have tried closing my eyes when soothing in the bassinet to make the baby think i'm sleeping too.
6. “Rub whiskey on their gums for teething pain.”
Pretty sure this advice came from great-great-grandparents who also thought Coca-Cola was medicine. (For the record, don’t do this.)
7. “Lick their head to stop hiccups.”
Excuse me, what? I love my baby, but I draw the line at head-licking. Hiccups are normal and are part of their gastrointestinal muscles to grow.
8. “Hang a raw egg in a sock above their crib to ward off bad dreams.”
The only thing this will ward off is any remaining respect your in-laws had for you.
9. “Don’t tickle their feet, or they’ll grow up with a stutter.”
Absolutely zero scientific evidence for this one, but thanks for the unnecessary anxiety.
10. “If you let them sleep with their arms up, they’ll grow taller.”
So… arms down means they’ll stay short? Science says no, but go ahead and let your baby stretch.
11. “Put a hat on them at all times or their soft spot will get cold and never close.”
Ah yes, the mystical “cold soft spot” theory. Soft spots close due to normal brain growth, not whether or not your baby wears a tiny beanie.
12. “A baby with big feet will be smart.”
Okay, but what if they just… have big feet?
13. “Dip their pacifier in sugar water to calm them down.”
Ah yes, let’s get them hooked on sugar at two weeks old—great plan.
14. “Blow in their face to get them to stop crying.”
This actually does work, but only for like two seconds before they start crying even harder.
15. “Don’t let the baby see themselves in a mirror before they turn one, or they’ll have bad luck.”
This makes babies sound like vampires, but I promise—seeing themselves is totally fine (and adorable).
16. “If you cross their legs too much, they’ll grow up bow-legged.”
Fun fact: Most babies already look bow-legged because their little bodies are still stretching out from being curled up in the womb.
17. “If the baby won’t burp, put them on top of the fridge.”
…Should I also start balancing my checkbook on the ceiling? Just no
18. “If you cut their hair before their first birthday, they won’t talk early.”
We can tell you, this is 100% not true.
19. “Babies need to be outside at least an hour a day, no matter the weather.”
Yes, let me just casually stroll my one-week-old through a snowstorm. Most pediatricians recommend reducing sun exposure until your baby is old enough to wear sunscreen.
20. “If you don’t feed them enough, they’ll eat their hands.”
No, they’re just discovering their fingers—not planning a snack.
Final Thoughts
Parenting advice is a mix of useful, bizarre, and downright hilarious. Take the good, laugh at the weird, and trust your instincts—because no one knows your baby better than you!
✨ Got a newborn? Check out Hammer & Rattle’s fun and Charmng Baby Onesies (and no, we don’t sell egg socks or magic height-growing hats).